the true and the questions

these questions come in the form of whispers and they usually only pierce my heart in the middle of the night.  this is why i can’t sleep tonight.  it’s awful.  i probably should just go outside.  all i want to do is hide from my feelings.  but i can’t.  i’m going to go outside and let them move and let them dance.  to see what they feel like.  to see what fear feels like and see how to dance fear.  i’m not afraid, really.

i hear the way poets string together words and it makes me never want to do another thing again in my life.  i sit outside on the wet pavement of my house, staring at my cat and the way a tiny little ant is navigating the large cracks of my driveway, and i wonder how on earth…anything of this nature is possible.  it also reminds me to rely on faith and have faith.  the smallest little things remind me that god is a real and active force acting in our hearts, who is always there if we choose to ask the questions.

i feel lik such a cop out for wanting to escape home, but i just don’t feel like i am ready to deal with it yet.  i don’t feel like i can start my own life and move forward out of adolescence into adulthood without…pissing off and leaving my adolescence to figure itself out.  i know what my dreams are.  i know what i’d love to do…i know what makes sense, i know what i used to want.

i want to write songs that inspire people, i want to write songs about eating disorders, about dysfunctional relationships and about the silences with god and addicitions.  how can i truly write about these things though until i am over them, until i have worked and danced through them?

i long to look at the world through the eyes of a poet, to create pieces and images in my mind, if only i could work to uncover my truest of the truely true true writers voice and the real voice, not an eating disordered voice in my head that likes to be the king of my LIFE.

my artistry dies when i take on the emotions too readily of the people i love who are around me.  my sister is a dancer, that is what she does.  i’v tried on that hat with countless other hats that i have tried to make fit on my head.  i … absolutely love to write and i also find great freedom in writing.  i find great anxiety in the things that i’d love to accomplish someday in my life.  i want to release a CD.  it’s going to happen someday.  it’s also going to be a long journey to get there.  and it’s also going to take a lot, a lot, a lot of work, and it’s going to involve me reaching out to others to stop living alone in my own head. 

the one resounding voice as of late.  fuck! you know nothing.  fuck! you are wrapped up.  fuck this eating disorder taking over your life.  fuck! give thanks. fuck! why am i saying fuck?  fuck!  get out and maximize your potential before you give up your entire life in pursuit of something empty that’s never going to fill the empty void.  the spirit comes down into one thing.  the moment in front of us:  that’s allll we’ve got.